Oh man.....the things you do for a cute girl, and a lil' spirituality in your life.
A week ago, I realized that I get all worked up on sunday's.... I mentioned this to a friend of mine, and she asked why that is.... being the smart ass that I am, I replied that "maybe I don't have enough jesus in my life".
A week later, I was in a car, headed to edina for a church service. Seriously. I was a little nervous this past week about it, but I was also excited. Nervous because it's edina (rich and white), nervous because it's chuch (wtf was i thinking?), and excited because it's an opportunity to challenge myself and to grow.
So...we pull up to this church in edina....it's fucking HUGE! Like the size of the whitehouse. (white house/ gods house). Hmmm. Anyhow, we walk in, and we walk quick. We go into the chapel part of it, and it's pretty dark (as my friend told me she'd not seen a brown person there, but that's because they also keep the lights really low). We sit up towards the front, and the band is rocking out! It was pretty dope (the sound). The guitarist was real cute, the sound system was amazing, and minus the jesus lyrics, I was totally into it.
And so there were some guest speakers at this thing. A couple who had struggled with infertility, a woman who couldn't get a job, and a dude who got engaged 4 days before the bridge collapse, and was severely injured in the catasrophe. They all talked about WAITING, as that was the topic of the service. Waiting, and asking jesus to help you wait, or something...
And so then they asked us to think about what in our live we are waiting for, and what do we need God's help with. And they said we need 3 things to help us in this time of waiting. We need hopefulness, patience, and faith. (I think those were the 3....it sounds about right). And so they played some music, and we got some time to think about it...
I lost it. I totally fucking lost it, in a church, in edina. Amazing. I haven't cried for SO long. And I fucking just let go. It was hard, being with a new friend, being in edina, being at a church.... but it was also so real and so powerful.
I took the time to look at myself, and look at how much pain and shit I still have inside of me. Yeah...I think I'm doing a heck of a lot better than I was a year ago, even 6 months ago. I think I have grown a lot, and proccessed some things, and have accomplished somet hings too. But I still have a lot of hurt inside of me.
I try and be strong for everyone around me. I try to be a positive person for my friends, someone they can count on. I try to be a powerful and supportive person at the group home I work at, for my coworkers, and more so for the consumers. I try to be a positive role model for the kids I am working with at southside. I am doing my best to keep my chin up, to keep my attitude positive, to be available and supportive to those in my community.
But deep down...I've still got my own shit to work through. (We all do). And I guess being at that church service yesterday...it got me thinking that I am waiting for the day when I'm not so fragile, when I'm strong enough to take care of myself and take care of others, when I feel comfortable and confident that I can deal with things as they come, and that I won't lose myself in the process. And right now, I am not at that point...and I don't know if I need a God (especially one in edina), to help me that extra bit that I can't do alone. Or maybe it means that I have to try harder? Or maybe it means I'm focusing on the wrong things? I don't know.
I tried to write about it (musically) last night. That didn't work. I can't believe that I got this in edina, at church! Never would I have imagined a lil' 2 hour part of my day would impact me like it did.
And so now I don't know what to do, or what it means. I feel like a butterfly....that came out of the coccoon too soon....and so it's like I'm in the real world, taking care of my own shit and taking care of the people I love... but I'm not fully developed or prepared to do that, cuz I became a butterfly too early. I feel like I'm trying to protect and be strong for the other animals in the kingdom, but I'm only a fragile butterfly, and am not able to be as strong as neccessary. So then what? Go back to edina to get a lil more jesus in my life? Throw in the towel cuz nothing will ever be enough? Or somehow find the beauty of being a butterfly, and know that there are parts of me that are so fragile and soft....and that even though I came out of the coccoon too soon, doesn't mean it's all for none.
Yesterday was a crazy experience. In the most beautiful way. It's scary when you honestly look at yourself. Especially if you're not ready.